The Flare-Up That Brought My Self-Esteem to a Breaking Point

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

This famous quote originates from the 26th President of the United States of America, Theodore Roosevelt.

It has been playing in my head on repeat lately. I have been finding it unusually difficult to choose not to engage in comparison over the past few weeks, especially comparisons about my skin, my life, and my behaviors. At the same time, it feels like the universe has been working against me for the past few weeks regarding my goals around overcoming comparative thinking.

Just when I think I have come to a place of understanding and acceptance around my comparative thinking the universe thrusts me into a situation where I face it again. And again.

When did I last struggle with my self-image?

A few weeks ago my family and I had to travel for an important family event with a formal dress code. While not excited about the event itself, as it was a funeral, I was looking forward to wearing my new outfit and catching up with friends and family.

The event itself went off without any hiccups. The kids were unusually (and thankfully) well-behaved and looked so smart in their suits. Catching up with family was nice. And then I went to the bathroom. Which, was seemingly, the catalyst for my harmful thinking. This is because when I was washing my hands, nearly ready to return to the event, I happened to look up and look at my face in the mirror.

The feelings of looking good and feeling confident that I had just a second before shattered instantaneously. Looking in the mirror, it was obvious that my face had broken out in an eczema flare up. The skin around my mouth, eyes and nostrils was scaly, red and peeling. It looked truly horrific.

What thoughts were spiraling in my head?

A million thoughts flooded my mind, and truthfully, some tears flooded my eyes. Immediately I began to wonder:

• How long my skin had been flaring?
• Why didn’t anyone say anything to me?!
• Did they just not notice or were they being polite?
• Why can’t my skin just look nice like everyone else’s?

It was that last self-pitying thought that snapped me back to reality. By this point, I had been in the bathroom for longer than I needed to be.

What did I do?

Then, as if pulled from the very deepest reaches of my memory, a thought occurred to me.

Why don’t I pretend that I don’t care and fake it 'til I make it? Bring the body and the mind will follow. Not in a disingenuous way, but why don’t I pretend that my skin looking bad doesn’t affect the way that I feel about myself?

This line of reasoning was taught to me by my first, and only, sponsor in 12-step recovery, Meg. While her deep religiosity made it hard for us to connect on certain topics, she seemed to have a supernatural understanding of emotions and how to overcome some of the most common barriers we put up to prevent ourselves from being happy. I have been sober for nearly a decade, and she has been sober for twice as long. Yet, I still find myself repeating Megan-isms in my head every day. Coincidentally, she was the individual who taught me the quote at the beginning of this article.

Would I be strong enough to decide to “act as if I didn’t care,” about my skin? To fake it till you make it with recovery is one thing. It’s not visible on people's faces. To pretend I didn’t care about my face looking questionable seems a lot more difficult.

Ultimately, I decided that it was something I would have to work on, but it obviously was not going to happen instantaneously between now and exiting the bathroom. So, I took a deep breath, and went back to the party. Warts and all.

What did I learn from the experience?

Comparison and insecurity are strange and common bedfellows for us with atopic dermatitis. What this event showed me is that I have a lot of work to do on myself still around those topics. Much of this emotional growth feels futile given that I will have atopic dermatitis for the rest of my life. That realization of a life long journey with my skin calls another Megan-ism to mind:

“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.”

While I’m definitely not at a place of acceptance, or living without comparison or insecurity yet, I’m working on it. I’ve at least accepted that!