Dear Eczema ~
It’s time. For too long I have kept myself guarded against the weight on my heart. All the trying, the effort, the lying to myself to stay positive. The boisterous voices screaming “Be grateful”…“Affirm what’s good”…“It could be worse.” Not today. Today I give myself permission to share what’s true. What’s raw and real. The emotions and feelings below the surface of the wave I’ve been riding for decades now.
Do you feel pressure to stay positive about eczema?
Exhausted by the battle against eczema
This is my surrender; allowing myself to come undone and embracing what’s been raining on my spirit. I cannot hold up the armor of strength nor can I continue to wrong myself over you. I’m exhausted from all the pushing forward, the seeking, the hoping, the maybes followed by the failures. I’m fatigued from fearing you and worn down by battling you.
Grieving the life lost to eczema
The truth is, I’m sinking into the gravity of sadness, actually, deep grief. Grief of the life I have lost having to soldier up to you, hold it together, pretend I can handle it, tell myself pretty things like, “I should appreciate what I have,” “You’re beautiful from the inside out.” Nope.
Feeling imprisoned by eczema
Today I invite myself unapologetically to speak my authentic voice. The one that’s been shunned and silenced. I can feel the pressure of the rage, trapped and tangled, stuck like a tightly knotted chain. Powerless, while I’ve had to endure you, hushing the deep cry inside, a bottomless yearning to be free. Desperate to let out a big gulping roar, fantasizing that I will wake up one day from the dream.
Being brought back to reality
Until I awaken from the itching and burning jolting me back into the imprisoned reality while startled by the early dawn. And just like the snap of a finger, in an instant, any possibility is disregarded...the beauty around me, laughter and joy, the inspiration once here and gone, the accomplishments despite your presence, even the notion of the one constant – the love I’ve known to become at my core - disappeared.
Eczema leaves us with the unknown
This is the control you have had over me. The power of the spell you have cast over me, leaving me in pain and deprivation. Deprived of the glorious life I am aching for down to my bones, having to learn to master the moments in the unbearable unknown. Will I be a bride in white? Will I travel again? Will I live with abandon? Will I ever feel like I belong? Will I, will I…? My longing for freedom cuts like a knife. I know, I know, freedom is an inside job. Though that’s my intellect chiming in. I will not entertain my intellect today.
Freeing myself from the chains of eczema
I can hear you whispering in my ear… stop, please! Please…. Do not place the veil over me so that you can justify, or tell me to be strong. THIS IS STRONG. It’s vulnerability. It’s where true empowerment is drawn from and where tears are born. Today I get to cry. Cry out the pain, the suffering, and all the unrealized desires. BTW, dear eczema, I am not complaining to you or being a victim to you, I am liberating myself! An invitation to cry out everything denied, passed, missed, and the loss, shame, judgments, and emotional hiding.
Eczema has taken so much
I’ve learned to hide from too much, even me, abandoning myself causing my life great complications. Work has been challenging, relationships have suffered, health has been altered. When one doctor labeled me “exquisitely complex,” I have permanently cringed ever since, leaving me flirting with hopelessness. I have had to fight to stay upright. Some days’ I don’t know if I’ll make it and others I determine to overcome no matter what it will take. You have often constricted me to what has seemed like my last breath, thinking that I have no more to give and then I find myself giving more because a sliver of faith finds it’s way in trickling in through the cracks.
Making it day by day
When the following dawn breaks, I consider myself a champ, having made it through another day. Life with you is like the rise and fall of mixed emotions, oscillating the light and the dark. You bring it all and I have carried it all. It feels too much to bare today. So, I have earned calling you out, calling me out, and I am accepting exactly where I am and owning how I feel. As usual, however, I will continue to look tomorrow for the rainbow or the miracle or pray even for a shift in perception. That will do ….that will do.
#freeyouremotions. #youaresafetoexpress. #ihearyou
Did you know October is eczema awareness month?