In The Heat of the Moment

The following was written in a moment of frustration and desperation during the recent heatwave, in hopes that writing would somehow help me focus and release the anger from my body. To set the scene: I live in Southern California, the temperature was in the upper 90s, humidity in the 80s, we don’t have AC, the small fan I have just kept blowing back hot air, I’m still dealing with TSW, and in these sweltering moments, it took all of my concentration to not rip my body to shreds.

People don't understand how sensitive our skin is

I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to feel. The heat is getting to me and it’s like people just don’t understand just how sensitive our bodies are when going through TSW. People say that sweat is good for you. My caretaker just said that to me as I was writhing in frustration and itchiness at the ridiculousness of this heat. Yes, sweat is beneficial to a certain extent. But having compromised skin that is triggered by literally everything - internal and external factors, mental and emotional issues, surviving through a heatwave with no AC is absolute hell.

Stuck in the head inside

I find myself not wanting to eat even though I’m ravenous, just because the mere effort put into any movement means that I’ll have sweat pouring from my pores, which means I will have an endless surface area of insanely itchy and uncomfortable skin, with nowhere to go to cool off since I am homebound. I don’t have the luxury of relaxing in AC at work, school, or at the local indoor mall for some of my day. So I sit here, stewing in this heavy, groggy heat, not in control of my housing and financial situation due to my current state of TSW.

The pain of topical steroid withdrawal

The reality of my current situation is harrowing and the future is dim. The pain in my legs is unbearable every time I stand, the restriction in my upper body due to my skin, and the ridiculous heat is getting to me and I don’t know what to feel, nor how I’m going to survive this. I think it’s the added layer of extreme discomfort of this heat piled on top of the chronic pain in my body that is finally pushing me over the edge. I can’t even bring myself to address the itchiness because if I even allow an ounce of energy to go into that, then all hell will break loose.

Sharing TSW experiences

Thank you for reading. I hope this captured moment helps rather than hinders, and that you find solace and reassurance in the sheer magnitude of TSW stories now available to you online. If you want to hear me complain more about this recurring heatwave, follow me at @linettero on Instagram.