Ebb And Flow Of Healing

Ever since I came back from vacation a few weeks ago, I have struggled with yet another skin flare-up. I would be lying if I said it hasn’t been painful and extremely discouraging. However, I am keeping in mind there are always silver linings.

This trip was a huge change for me

After being mostly housebound and/or bedridden for the majority of the past 7 years while dealing with TSW, this was a huge change for my body. I hadn’t gone out of town in 6 years. The last time I did it in 2015, I was on immunosuppressants, so my body wasn’t quite as “vulnerable.”

This time, I am not on any medications for my skin and have been continually working to heal internally, first and foremost. So after 6 years of being mostly in one room, it was understandably quite a shock to both my mind and body to go on vacation. This includes being in a completely different climate and eating different foods, among other things.

I was overwhelmed with emotion

The first day I got there, I was very emotional and overwhelmed with the thought that I am even alive to experience it all.

As I stepped out onto the beach and put my feet in the water, I held back tears filled with so much love and gratitude. I never thought I would have the opportunity to have this experience after everything I have been through, especially during the years of being bedridden. Most days, I did not even think I would survive at all. This was an extremely powerful and profound moment for me - one I will likely remember for the rest of my days.

Then, I had to conquer my paralyzing fear of water contact in order to swim in the ocean. I quite literally felt like I won a gold medal for something afterward.

Was this flare worth it?

Although this flare hasn’t been easy, and to be fair – none of them ever are, I'd still say it was well worth it. I got to be in the sun (and even get sunburned a bit!), swim in the ocean, and visit the beautiful plantations. It allowed me to connect with nature in a profound way. There were a lot of emotions going on, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

My worst eczema flares are triggered by change

Change, in general, has never been easy for me. I have noticed that my worst flares happen during seasonal changes or even just severe weather changes. Any change, in general, seems to be an issue for me. I have been that way since I was a child, and it is something I have been working on healing within.

Consciously, I know that the truth is that change is the only constant. However, my body still struggles with that and reverts to fight or flight mode. It tends to go back toward the familiar because it is "safe" – even if the familiar is painful.

I have come a long way

Overall, through the internal work I have been doing (hypnotherapy being a huge part of it), I am still noticing huge changes within myself. I am now much more stable and grounded even when I do flare. I am able to stay more present and be with all the emotions and the pain. I was used to dissociating and trying to push it all away in the past.

So, however unpleasant this current flare-up may be, it still reminds me of how far I have truly come. I have to remind myself that healing is not linear. Like all of life, it ebbs and flows. It often takes going backward several times to continue going forward.

For me, flare or not – this is major progress. I am eternally grateful for the experience and all the lessons this has taught me and continues to.