Begging for the Worst

I don't know about you, but I feel pretty darn lost most days. Navigating my skin lately has been quite a strange, mind-altering dilemma.

The beginning of TSW

I started TSW, or topical steroid withdrawal, over 6 years ago, and have had eczema ever since I was little. I am sure we all have similar stories of how our skin issues came about and how we finally decided to do something about it.

We feel hopeful in the beginning

When we first go on the "skin journey" in search for answers, we feel outrageously hopeful, right? There is no red ink on our canvas yet, a bright future of possibilities that you just know you can tackle. You know you'll work your way down the list, starting with the basics - Is it allergies? - and then dig around from there. You are pumped. You are ready.

Full steam ahead

I began tackling TSW topics left and right. I printed out whatever I could find in the literature (which was not much back then) and started raising awareness where I could. From YouTube videos to a blog, I linked myself to the skin world. I also explored as much as I could, medical-wise. I found a compassionate physician who only wished to assuage my suffering. She was not educated at all on TSW or even much on eczema, but whatever tests I wanted to run, she was happy to do so.

Getting tested to rule things out

The blood tests were extensive but ruled out a lot of autoimmune issues.

Furthermore, scratch allergy tests were administered. However, they weren't very conclusive. My back was so red and covered in eczema it was hard finding clear spots to test. The only allergy that came back was cats.

"Memoryyyyy, all alone in the mooooonlighhhht." I digress. (Cats reference for all you thespians out there).

So, a handful of things were ruled out. Cool. No sweat. Still, lots to go...

Have you tried?...

After year one of big-time searching and not finding out much that concentrated on making my journey better, I started to look at what others were doing. We tend to do that, huh? Like, we rummage around in elements that helped someone else, knowing it is bound to help you as well.

The most common questions

• Have you tried coconut oil? - Haha, priceless.
• Have you soaked in Dead Sea salt? - Yes, actually, which does help occasionally.
• Have you tried light therapy? - I live in Florida. I live in light therapy.
• Have you tried changing your diet? - Paleo, Medical Medium, lessen sweets, no alcohol...still on that lil' journey.
• Have you tried changing your sheets, detergents, deodorants, shampoos, etc.? - Pretty much.

Okay, okay, what else, what else...?

• Have you tried Traditional Chinese Medicine? - Yuppers, and it's not cheap.
• Have you checked your vitamin and genetics? - Oh boy, yes. Ah, the money I have spent.
• Have you done stem cell therapy? - Yes, sir. Did I mention the money I've spent?

Have you, have you, have you???? Insert crying emoji.

We feel defeated

After trying so much, suggestion after suggestion, it can feel like such a defeat. You want to give up or give in. You want to throw in the towel desperately. How can anyone possibly go on with so many other strange yet plausible options?

Patch testing for some answers

As of right now, and I will know hopefully within the next month, I am in the process of patch testing. See, I had surgery six months ago, and six screws were placed in my hip. The surgery, itself, sent my skin into a massive downshift, but since day one, my hip just hasn't healed correctly. It feels inflamed all of the time, and my surgeon finally asked, "Are you allergic to nickel by chance?"

Ummmmmm, what? Que, que?

Testing for more than nickel

Apparently, there are traces of nickel in hypo-allergenic surgical steel, one of the most common allergies in the metal family. Reluctantly, I had to get patch tested for it. While there, I asked to test for chemicals as well. Well, they couldn't fit all of the patches on my back (i.e., the insurance decided they would only pay for a certain amount), so I have to wait to get the others done soon.

Was I allergic to nickel?

However, here comes the kicker. I am not allergic to nickel, but I am irritated by it (a "doubtful positive," so to speak). Because of this, I now have surgery scheduled to get these screws out of my hip.

Honestly, part of me desperately wanted to be allergic, a positive, affirming allergy to nickel. It would give peace of mind. But, nope, still no true answers. It's like I am begging for the worst. Just give me something wrong so I can make it right!! You know?

I am sure I am not alone

What are some things you are willing to try in your desperation to find answers? What is it that you are begging to find "wrong" in order to make it right?